You Want More Laughs?
You’ve Come to the Right Place.

A full Jeopardy-style board built entirely around your team’s history, lore, disasters, and occasional moments of glory. Four categories. Five clues each. $200 through $1,000. The $1,000 questions are genuinely hard. We verified every fact. We are not kidding about that part. Click on any one of the boxes and start the game!

Nine satirical classified ads, three columns, all team-specific. FOR SALE. WANTED. LOST & FOUND. HELP WANTED. ANNOUNCEMENT. NOTICE. PERSONALS. OBITUARIES. The CONTACT line is always the punchline. Always.

A full team-specific Top Ten list. Completely deadpan. Treats every item with total journalistic seriousness. The list below is a sample. Yours will be specific to your team’s particular situation, history, and ongoing triumphs and disasters.

Seven team-specific fake eBay listings, ready to go every cycle, styled exactly like the real site — photo, description, seller, and current bid. The items are always something your team has misplaced, squandered, or never possessed. Reserve has not been met, and never may be met.

Vintage Gold Helmet — PRISTINE — “The Montana Era”

Seller: candlestick_ghosts

Condition: Historically Significant

A classic gold helmet from a time when we actually won Super Bowls instead of just making it there and losing in heartbreaking fashion. It reminds us of a time when the offense didn’t stall in the fourth quarter.

$1,981

current bid

PLACE BID

Deflated Football — FLATTENED — “The Overtime Offense”

Seller: shanahan_playcalling

Condition: Philosophically Compromised

A completely flattened, deflated football. It perfectly represents our offense during overtime in Super Bowl LVIII. We got the ball first, we drove down the field, and then we kicked a field goal. Patrick Mahomes did the rest.

$25

current bid

PLACE BID

Offensive Play Sheet — FOLDED — “The Paper Airplane”

Seller: kyle_shanahan_genius

Condition: Cautiously Optimistic

Kyle Shanahan’s pristine offensive play sheet, folded into a paper airplane. It’s filled with brilliant, complex schemes that work perfectly until the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl, at which point it takes a nosedive.

$28

current bid

PLACE BID

Heavy Iron Padlock — LOCKED — “28-3”

Seller: super_bowl_li_ghosts

Condition: Structurally Unsound

A massive iron padlock shaped like the numbers 28-3. It’s a reminder that no lead is safe, especially not in the Super Bowl. We know it wasn’t the 49ers, but the playcaller was the same. The ghosts followed him here.

$28

current bid

PLACE BID

Super Bowl XXIX Ring — GLEAMING — “1994”

Seller: steve_young_magic

Condition: Historically Haunted

A gleaming silver Super Bowl XXIX ring from 1994. We stare at it every time Patrick Mahomes gets the ball back with two minutes left. We have five rings. We just haven’t won one in over thirty years.

$1,994

current bid

PLACE BID

Mr. Irrelevant Trophy — SEALED — “The Franchise”

Seller: brock_purdy_system

Condition: Emotionally Unavailable

A pristine, sealed Mr. Irrelevant trophy. Brock Purdy went from the last pick in the draft to a highly paid franchise quarterback. Is he a system QB? Is he elite? Does it matter when we still can’t beat the Chiefs?

$262

current bid

PLACE BID

Foam Finger — WORN — “We’ll Get ’Em Next Year”

Seller: levis_stadium_faithful

Condition: Enduringly Loyal

A slightly worn red and gold foam finger. We might complain about the playcalling, the injuries, and the heartbreaking losses, but we’ll still wave this thing until our arms fall off. Maybe this is the year.

$49

current bid

PLACE BID

One team-specific Outer Limits Enquirer front page, every cycle. Completely straight-faced. It sells itself — that’s how funny it is.

■ Transmission Received — Parallel Universe Dispatch ■

Signal Strong — Standing By

Four new proposed NFL rules, each presented with complete regulatory seriousness. The title is always “THE NFL COMPETITION COMMITTEE PROPOSES:” followed by the rule name. Three to five sentences of deadpan satire. A new batch of four rules, every seven-week cycle.

A fully illustrated satirical children’s book, team-specific, written for the fan who has a child who needs to understand why Sunday afternoons are like this. The illustrations are beautiful. The subject matter is not. Both things are intentional.

Your Team’s Complete Illustrated History — Included With Every Subscription

“From the Gold Rush to the Bay”

The Story of the San Francisco 49ers — Read the Full Book Below, Cover to Last Page

From the Gold Rush to the Bay

The Story of the San Francisco 49ers.
A Landolfi Media Children’s Book.

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Complete Illustrated History · Cover + 10 Pages · Included With Paid Subscription

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